We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
