Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
