I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
