The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
