The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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