happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
