she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
