textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
