gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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