before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
