We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Girls should come with a carfax report
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
