ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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