im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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