I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
