I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
