The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
