dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
