oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
