I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
