I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
