Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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