I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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