my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
