I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
