I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
