The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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