Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
