That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
