I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
