How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
