He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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