im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
