Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
