I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
