sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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