She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
