I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Send help, water and tortillas.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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