Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
