My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
