so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
