my phone needs a breathalizer
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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