I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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