so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
