I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
