Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
