shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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