There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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