piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Randomize
