My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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