I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
